Disappointments

Sometimes life feels like it's just a series of disappointing events. I'm actually okay with disappointing life events. I think what stops me in my tracks is how often the people I love and those who are closest to me disappoint me. I feel like I'm the kind of person who doesn't ask much from people, however, time and time again, I have felt disappointed by people's lack of commitment, lack of time, lack of attention to detail, lack of basic care and concern.

I'm not sure how to really "fix" this. I'm pretty sure I can't actually "fix" this. I can't make people be or do something they don't want to do or are not capable of.

So where does this leave me?

I think I have to decide where to put these people in my life and how to interact with them.

Sadly, this makes me feel like I have behave more superficially with these people. I have to take a step back and not let their lack of commitment affect me.

I think people are so eager to belong, they will do whatever they need to do, they will leave whomever they need to leave and they will hurt whomever they need to hurt just so they can feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves.

I think even if I tried, I couldn't "belong". It's not in me to belong somewhere or to someone.

This is a lonely life, this not belonging.
Lots of disappointment.
But the other side of the coin is that with enough disappointment, I've just learned to continually let go.

And here's the perk of being a counselor...when you learn to perpetually let go, you eventually have nothing left to lose.

Leave if you must...

Sometimes we have to leave. We are the only ones we can control and so it becomes our duty to leave a situation that is not healthy or is unjust. 

When people refuse to respect your boundaries, leave. I'm not saying don't try to work it out by discussing it, but if there is no chance of a healthy discussion, leave. Leave people, places, things, jobs, doctors, relationships, friendships, homes, exercise routines, clubs, whatever you can think of. 

A quote comes to mind...

I think it goes something like this, "You're not a tree. You can move." There is no law that says you have to continually endure unhealthy situations. Move. Leave. Walk away.

Perks of being a counselor?

Being able to give myself permission to practice what I preach. I'm out. 👊🏽

Living like you're dying...

I've had multiple experiences that seem to have a similar kind of theme to them. In each situation, my response seems out of proportion with what is going on. I've tried so hard to figure out what's actually happening so I can stop this cycle of interaction with people. 

And one day it just hit me...

As I was driving, a song came on the radio that brought about my "Aha!" moment. The song is titled, "I'm Gonna Lose You," by Meghan Trainor. As I was listening to this song, I finally understood that I seem to go around loving people like I'm going to lose them. I am constantly thanking them, telling them I love them and doing whatever I can in the moment to help them. 

So you may ask, "What's the problem here Yasi? Isn't that a good way to love people?"

My response is, "Yes. Yes it definitely is." But keep in mind that most people I  interact with are not preoccupied with death and so start to see my interactions as excessive and start to wonder what it is I want from them. Now let's get something straight here, I'm not saying that what these people are thinking is right. But I do understand their perspective. We are not taught to cherish every moment and to be grateful at all times for those in our lives. But certain circumstances, like my job and having worked with bereaved parents has given me a huge window into what not living in the moment with gratitude and appreciation can look like...and it's not tulips and butterflies. It's devasting and filled with regret. Lots and lots and lots of regret.

So somewhere along the way I adopted the idea of being grateful in the moment and as often as possible so that no one ever leaves my presence feeling unloved. But this has created a little bit of a problem for me. Some people are just not ready to be loved in this way. And that's okay. 

On the up side, people know I love them and I would hope no one leaves my presence without feeling some kind of warm and fuzzy feeling. This gives me peace and helps me to bring myself to account each day. Some people stick around. Most go about doing their own thing and while I continue to love them and appreciate them, they are not necessarily a part of my daily life.

Perk of being a counselor???

To have the ability to reflect and with certitude understand that each person is their own person. This way I can let those who want to leave, leave, and to know some will choose to stay. Ultimately, I do believe that one day I will find that person who will understand me and how I live so completely that they will feel like home to me and they will feel at home with me.

Silence

There are some times in our life when there is just no answer to our questions, no relief, no closure.

As much as we would like to find peace in an answer, the only way we may ever find peace in such times is through silence.

Practicing silence and sitting at the table with your lack of clarity may be all there is one can do. So go ahead. Pull up a chair, sit down across the table from your pain and sadness. Look them in the eye, not with judgement and blame, but with love.

Sit in silence and send love across the table to what you've lost, what you mourn. 

The human language is incapable of labeling such times and feelings which may be why you feel you have no answer to your questions, no response to your pain. The language of the soul is complicated. It's not about a label or word because the soul is processing so many things simultaneously. However, the soul comes alive and feels seen and heard in the moment when you look at the soul and recognize it and "see" it through someone's eyes. It can definitely be seen and acknowledged. And if you're capable of sitting at the table with your own soul, and without any words acknowledge your own pain and sorrow and sadness and love, then maybe you will have found an answer after all.

Perk:  silence is an answer; no response is a response; no action is an action; acceptance of what something is, is acceptance of what it is not. With silence you can make the loudest statement of all. 

Answers

Hope

My reflections on experiences...