Burning Bridges

As a counselor I have hope in almost everything and everyone. It is also who I am as a person. Some would argue I have too much hope and see life with rose colored glasses despite all that I have personally experienced and all that I have heard about the grief of others, "la vie en rose." (Listen to this song if you ever have a chance.) All I know is that I have always had the presence of the "Divine" in my life. Even in my loneliest, I have truly never been or felt alone. However, having said this, I have learned a lot in the last few years about having hope in everything and everyone. 

Lesson 1:

Everything and everyone has the potential of change but not everything and everyone will reach that potential in a timeline that we are able to witness.

Lesson 2:

When we choose to leave certain people and things in the time and space they belong, we are not forgetting them and their time with us. We are operating with the virtue of justice by letting people occupy their space and time and allowing ourselves to move on and occupy our own space and time. 

Lesson 3:

We need energy and fuel to power our way through our new and possibly different journey. We cannot exist simultaneously in two or more dimensions of time without severe exhaustion and lack of motivation. We have to choose and sadly, sometimes our fuel and guidance comes from the light provided by the bridges we burn to our past. 

Lesson 4:

While you may choose to return to an older period of time, you have to remember that you return as a changed person and therefore will possibly, and in all likelihood, have different reactions and behaviors. Don't be surprised if you realize something or someone from your past isn't as interesting or is more interesting than you thought originally. 

Lesson 5:

There is a lesson in everything. Find it, especially when you have the least amount of understanding of what's going on. It will always shed light on a situation. 

Lesson 6:

Hope applies to everyone. It's an equal opportunity concept. If you have hope in everything and everyone else, that means there is also hope for you and your situation. You are not the exception to the rule. 

Lesson 7: 

There are connections between every act, person, thing, and situation. Find what the connections are. They are the yellow brick road that will lead you to the treasure at the end of the rainbow. 

Once again, I'm not saying anything you can't think of or haven't possibly thought of yourself. I just happen to be trained to look for these things as part of my job and therefore in my own life. You can become this aware as well. You might already be. 

And this kind of awareness, once again, is one of the perks of being a counselor. 

Nostalgia

Sooo...

I'm back in Texas for my niece and nephews high school graduation. Never mind that it feels like they were just born yesterday. Now I have to watch them walk across a stage and transition into adulthood and college. To say that time goes by quickly is a gross understatement. 

So in order to celebrate them, we have to celebrate the almost 18 years that have gone by. And to look back 18 years means to look back at what my life used to look like as well because our lives are all a tangled web of interactions and love. 

The counselor in me wants to point out the moments I missed that led me to this new life. However, the aunt and mom in me is fighting hard to stick to the love and good times we have all had. 

Who will win? I'll have to let you know in a few days. 

Meanwhile, I'm going to thoroughly enjoy kissing and hugging my nieces and nephews because if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that time is short and there is no time to be wasted not loving the crap out of each other!

Didn't know I lost that...

Today I had to make a very quick run to Home Depot for some light bulbs. When I was "happily" married, Home Depot used to be a place I visited often. I loved painting the walls, looking for new throw rugs, looking at plants and mulch, looking at how to make my home prettier and more a reflection of myself. 

Today I realized the last time I was at Home Depot was almost a year ago and even then I made a quick run. As I walked up and down a couple of aisles today, a sinking feeling of nostalgia came over me and I felt this complete emptiness and sadness that divorce and infidelity had left me stripped of my desire to be a homemaker and create a loving and warm environment at home. I used to love to think of things I could do to furniture and my home, but today I realized that my divorce didn't just take away my security of feeling loved and accepted for who I am but also took away my desire to paint, plant, carve, refinish, restyle, redo anything and everything. 

I didn't realize how much of who I was I have lost. As I walked down the aisle  of paint colors, I even had a super sarcastic thought run across my mind, "As if paint color makes people happy."

Wow! I have lost the ability to think altruistically and optimistically.

Can people be that innocent and naive to be shopping together in Home Depot looking for water softener salt? Is this right? A couple looking at light bulbs together. Am I living in the twilight zone or do those two people actually look happy shopping for their new lawn furniture together? "Wow!" I think in amazement! I used to belong that world. And now all I can see is right through everything. Home Depot and all the people in it might as well be a mirage. 

Is there is a happy ending to all of this?

Probably not. There are certainly happy moments and times. But the fairy tale that some people live has vanished forever, at least for me. You can't go back to believing in magic once you've looked behind the curtain. 

Soooo....here's to happier days in Home Depot and even happier moments spent with loved ones. Thankfully I still believe in myself and often I say to myself, "If you exist, then there's a chance that there is someone else like you in this world." And this gives me hope. Not too much. But a little bit. And sometimes that's all we need, a little bit of hope.