Disappointments

Sometimes life feels like it's just a series of disappointing events. I'm actually okay with disappointing life events. I think what stops me in my tracks is how often the people I love and those who are closest to me disappoint me. I feel like I'm the kind of person who doesn't ask much from people, however, time and time again, I have felt disappointed by people's lack of commitment, lack of time, lack of attention to detail, lack of basic care and concern.

I'm not sure how to really "fix" this. I'm pretty sure I can't actually "fix" this. I can't make people be or do something they don't want to do or are not capable of.

So where does this leave me?

I think I have to decide where to put these people in my life and how to interact with them.

Sadly, this makes me feel like I have behave more superficially with these people. I have to take a step back and not let their lack of commitment affect me.

I think people are so eager to belong, they will do whatever they need to do, they will leave whomever they need to leave and they will hurt whomever they need to hurt just so they can feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves.

I think even if I tried, I couldn't "belong". It's not in me to belong somewhere or to someone.

This is a lonely life, this not belonging.
Lots of disappointment.
But the other side of the coin is that with enough disappointment, I've just learned to continually let go.

And here's the perk of being a counselor...when you learn to perpetually let go, you eventually have nothing left to lose.

Leave if you must...

Sometimes we have to leave. We are the only ones we can control and so it becomes our duty to leave a situation that is not healthy or is unjust. 

When people refuse to respect your boundaries, leave. I'm not saying don't try to work it out by discussing it, but if there is no chance of a healthy discussion, leave. Leave people, places, things, jobs, doctors, relationships, friendships, homes, exercise routines, clubs, whatever you can think of. 

A quote comes to mind...

I think it goes something like this, "You're not a tree. You can move." There is no law that says you have to continually endure unhealthy situations. Move. Leave. Walk away.

Perks of being a counselor?

Being able to give myself permission to practice what I preach. I'm out. 👊🏽

Living like you're dying...

I've had multiple experiences that seem to have a similar kind of theme to them. In each situation, my response seems out of proportion with what is going on. I've tried so hard to figure out what's actually happening so I can stop this cycle of interaction with people. 

And one day it just hit me...

As I was driving, a song came on the radio that brought about my "Aha!" moment. The song is titled, "I'm Gonna Lose You," by Meghan Trainor. As I was listening to this song, I finally understood that I seem to go around loving people like I'm going to lose them. I am constantly thanking them, telling them I love them and doing whatever I can in the moment to help them. 

So you may ask, "What's the problem here Yasi? Isn't that a good way to love people?"

My response is, "Yes. Yes it definitely is." But keep in mind that most people I  interact with are not preoccupied with death and so start to see my interactions as excessive and start to wonder what it is I want from them. Now let's get something straight here, I'm not saying that what these people are thinking is right. But I do understand their perspective. We are not taught to cherish every moment and to be grateful at all times for those in our lives. But certain circumstances, like my job and having worked with bereaved parents has given me a huge window into what not living in the moment with gratitude and appreciation can look like...and it's not tulips and butterflies. It's devasting and filled with regret. Lots and lots and lots of regret.

So somewhere along the way I adopted the idea of being grateful in the moment and as often as possible so that no one ever leaves my presence feeling unloved. But this has created a little bit of a problem for me. Some people are just not ready to be loved in this way. And that's okay. 

On the up side, people know I love them and I would hope no one leaves my presence without feeling some kind of warm and fuzzy feeling. This gives me peace and helps me to bring myself to account each day. Some people stick around. Most go about doing their own thing and while I continue to love them and appreciate them, they are not necessarily a part of my daily life.

Perk of being a counselor???

To have the ability to reflect and with certitude understand that each person is their own person. This way I can let those who want to leave, leave, and to know some will choose to stay. Ultimately, I do believe that one day I will find that person who will understand me and how I live so completely that they will feel like home to me and they will feel at home with me.

Silence

There are some times in our life when there is just no answer to our questions, no relief, no closure.

As much as we would like to find peace in an answer, the only way we may ever find peace in such times is through silence.

Practicing silence and sitting at the table with your lack of clarity may be all there is one can do. So go ahead. Pull up a chair, sit down across the table from your pain and sadness. Look them in the eye, not with judgement and blame, but with love.

Sit in silence and send love across the table to what you've lost, what you mourn. 

The human language is incapable of labeling such times and feelings which may be why you feel you have no answer to your questions, no response to your pain. The language of the soul is complicated. It's not about a label or word because the soul is processing so many things simultaneously. However, the soul comes alive and feels seen and heard in the moment when you look at the soul and recognize it and "see" it through someone's eyes. It can definitely be seen and acknowledged. And if you're capable of sitting at the table with your own soul, and without any words acknowledge your own pain and sorrow and sadness and love, then maybe you will have found an answer after all.

Perk:  silence is an answer; no response is a response; no action is an action; acceptance of what something is, is acceptance of what it is not. With silence you can make the loudest statement of all. 

Answers

Hope

My reflections on experiences...

What we are and what we are not...

"We are not the ugly and pain that was heaped upon us. We are the parts that learned how to work through the ugly and pain. We are the light, that although may have seemed dim at the time, found a way into and through the darkness and into more light. We are the broken pieces of a shattered soul who learned to sand down the sharp edges with the soft love offered to us by many or few. We found a way over the mountain, under rocks and through deep and narrow valleys. We are the discolored orbs of faint light that barely show up in pictures because we have learned to stand back and let others shine. We are cracked and jagged and faint and sometimes we are barely seen walking in and out of the lives of those who need us most. We have become ghosts so as not to disturb the demons but it means we are also unseen amongst the garden of heaven. We whisper our love to make sure we aren't too loud and we cry often as most people turn away. We are the conglomerate of stars and rain and usually melt in the presence of the fire of anger. We look with our souls because the eyes are useless in acknowledging pain. We have learned that greatness is in the smallest gesture of kindness and that true nobility is in the telling of truths. We see no use for the "things" others use to live. The boundary of this world and the next lies within us and we see, in the horizon of our vision, the reality of all that was and is yet to be. We move softly through the fabric of our lives,  often mistaken for lost souls and aimless travelers. We are those who lose nothing because we have lost it all. We know the value of life lies not in what can be held but in what life has yet to behold." -YN-

(PS--yes this was written by me.) 

Timelines

Sometimes you accidentally run into timelines of other people that match up with your old timeline. However, their timeline continues uninterrupted while yours takes a departure from your projected and estimated trajectory. It's always a little jarring when you see the timeline that's uninterrupted and start comparing it to yours. You start wondering if maybe this uninterrupted timeline could have been your life and then you look for where things changed. It's an exhausting and defeating process. It presupposes that one single act can determine the fate of your timeline. It also presupposes that one outcome is better than another.

Life is not like that. If it were, there would be an antidote or a counter action that would protect you from that other "action" that is the determining factor in the change of trajectory. (Now I'm getting into Quantum Physics, which I love by the way.) ;)

In reality, there is no way to pinpoint a single moment when things change. While there are single events that change us forever, life is a continuous flow of moments that lead from one to another. Every time I have tried to look for that single moment, I have had to look at the moment before that and the one before that and on and on and on. It is actually easier to look forward and change actions in present mode for future benefit.

So where's the perk?

I suppose the perk of being a counselor in this situation is to know at any given moment you have the power to change the future and according to the most recent Quantum Physics studies, apparently you can even change the past. Wow! Imagine that! 

(Disclaimer: The study of Quantum Physics is not a perk of being a counselor. That's a perk of being "Yasi." :))

Burning Bridges

As a counselor I have hope in almost everything and everyone. It is also who I am as a person. Some would argue I have too much hope and see life with rose colored glasses despite all that I have personally experienced and all that I have heard about the grief of others, "la vie en rose." (Listen to this song if you ever have a chance.) All I know is that I have always had the presence of the "Divine" in my life. Even in my loneliest, I have truly never been or felt alone. However, having said this, I have learned a lot in the last few years about having hope in everything and everyone. 

Lesson 1:

Everything and everyone has the potential of change but not everything and everyone will reach that potential in a timeline that we are able to witness.

Lesson 2:

When we choose to leave certain people and things in the time and space they belong, we are not forgetting them and their time with us. We are operating with the virtue of justice by letting people occupy their space and time and allowing ourselves to move on and occupy our own space and time. 

Lesson 3:

We need energy and fuel to power our way through our new and possibly different journey. We cannot exist simultaneously in two or more dimensions of time without severe exhaustion and lack of motivation. We have to choose and sadly, sometimes our fuel and guidance comes from the light provided by the bridges we burn to our past. 

Lesson 4:

While you may choose to return to an older period of time, you have to remember that you return as a changed person and therefore will possibly, and in all likelihood, have different reactions and behaviors. Don't be surprised if you realize something or someone from your past isn't as interesting or is more interesting than you thought originally. 

Lesson 5:

There is a lesson in everything. Find it, especially when you have the least amount of understanding of what's going on. It will always shed light on a situation. 

Lesson 6:

Hope applies to everyone. It's an equal opportunity concept. If you have hope in everything and everyone else, that means there is also hope for you and your situation. You are not the exception to the rule. 

Lesson 7: 

There are connections between every act, person, thing, and situation. Find what the connections are. They are the yellow brick road that will lead you to the treasure at the end of the rainbow. 

Once again, I'm not saying anything you can't think of or haven't possibly thought of yourself. I just happen to be trained to look for these things as part of my job and therefore in my own life. You can become this aware as well. You might already be. 

And this kind of awareness, once again, is one of the perks of being a counselor. 

Nostalgia

Sooo...

I'm back in Texas for my niece and nephews high school graduation. Never mind that it feels like they were just born yesterday. Now I have to watch them walk across a stage and transition into adulthood and college. To say that time goes by quickly is a gross understatement. 

So in order to celebrate them, we have to celebrate the almost 18 years that have gone by. And to look back 18 years means to look back at what my life used to look like as well because our lives are all a tangled web of interactions and love. 

The counselor in me wants to point out the moments I missed that led me to this new life. However, the aunt and mom in me is fighting hard to stick to the love and good times we have all had. 

Who will win? I'll have to let you know in a few days. 

Meanwhile, I'm going to thoroughly enjoy kissing and hugging my nieces and nephews because if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that time is short and there is no time to be wasted not loving the crap out of each other!

Didn't know I lost that...

Today I had to make a very quick run to Home Depot for some light bulbs. When I was "happily" married, Home Depot used to be a place I visited often. I loved painting the walls, looking for new throw rugs, looking at plants and mulch, looking at how to make my home prettier and more a reflection of myself. 

Today I realized the last time I was at Home Depot was almost a year ago and even then I made a quick run. As I walked up and down a couple of aisles today, a sinking feeling of nostalgia came over me and I felt this complete emptiness and sadness that divorce and infidelity had left me stripped of my desire to be a homemaker and create a loving and warm environment at home. I used to love to think of things I could do to furniture and my home, but today I realized that my divorce didn't just take away my security of feeling loved and accepted for who I am but also took away my desire to paint, plant, carve, refinish, restyle, redo anything and everything. 

I didn't realize how much of who I was I have lost. As I walked down the aisle  of paint colors, I even had a super sarcastic thought run across my mind, "As if paint color makes people happy."

Wow! I have lost the ability to think altruistically and optimistically.

Can people be that innocent and naive to be shopping together in Home Depot looking for water softener salt? Is this right? A couple looking at light bulbs together. Am I living in the twilight zone or do those two people actually look happy shopping for their new lawn furniture together? "Wow!" I think in amazement! I used to belong that world. And now all I can see is right through everything. Home Depot and all the people in it might as well be a mirage. 

Is there is a happy ending to all of this?

Probably not. There are certainly happy moments and times. But the fairy tale that some people live has vanished forever, at least for me. You can't go back to believing in magic once you've looked behind the curtain. 

Soooo....here's to happier days in Home Depot and even happier moments spent with loved ones. Thankfully I still believe in myself and often I say to myself, "If you exist, then there's a chance that there is someone else like you in this world." And this gives me hope. Not too much. But a little bit. And sometimes that's all we need, a little bit of hope.

V-Day (aka Valentines Day)

This post was originally started on February 14th, 2015 and finished today, May 16th, 2015. 

So here we are. 2015. Valentine's Day coming right up. A big part of me wants to be cynical. An even bigger part of me wants to be angry. Why?

Because it's just a ridiculous idea that people spend one day out of the year attempting to show their love for their loved ones. Why not do it every day? What about the other 364 days? We could all certainly use more love and have it spread more evenly throughout the year. 

And then there is the part of me that wishes and hopes for that love to be shown to me and so believes in cupids, fairies, and pixie dust. I mean I am human after all. Haha!

But in reality, this day can be extremely isolating for many. Loneliness is a disease that has overtaken the world and many of our newest and best modern day amenities create an even more isolating society and promote loneliness even further. 

So let's stop and take a moment to make sure we do something to show our love to those we love on a more consistent basis and continue to show it throughout the year. And let's make a collective effort to show love to those we do not know as well. Who knows what would happen if people started feeling loved. The world might change and become a more beautiful place. 

Happy Valentine's Day today and every day! ❤️❤️❤️

Anger isn't always bad...

Anger gets a bad rep. Counselors, psychologists and just people in general have a hard time addressing anger at its core. Often times anger is dismissed and "underlying emotions" are addressed as the core emotions. 

Sometimes it's true that other core emotions such as fear, sadness, anxiety, and such are actually the root of the anger displayed. But this is not universally and always true. Sometimes anger is just anger. Pure, raw, powerful and full of energy.

Can we try to accept anger for what it is and instead of dismissing it, channel it into something productive and life changing? This is a challenge I want to put out there to you. Instead of dismissing the anger you feel, channel its awesome energy and power into something useful in your life and try to make a positive change using your anger as fuel for your transformation. Empower yourself by telling yourself it's okay to feel anger as long as you use it for good instead of destroying yourself and your relationships with others. Stop believing you don't have control over your ability to take charge of your feelings. Feel your feelings, all of them. Don't label them as good or bad. Just feel. And take the energy each feeling produces and channel it in a meaningful way so that you can make a positive difference in your own life as well as the life of the community in which you live.

There is no such thing as a "bad" feeling. All feelings are valid and equal in their ability to be useful or destructive. You get to choose how you will use your feelings. YOU are the one in charge. Breathe. Observe. Think and reflect. And then...Carry on. 

Lesson: Anger can be used as fuel to get you to where you want to be. It's not about being destructive. It's about being constructive with whatever you have and whatever you're feeling at the moment. Believe me, I'm a counselor. I get angry and it pisses me off when my anger is negated or villianized. Being pissed off is life's way of giving you a little shot of caffeine so you can get off your ass and do something different. Don't be calm. Rage on and conquer your life! 

The lies we tell ourselves...

We lie to ourselves. It's the truth. We tell ourselves if only we had this or that, if only we could be here or there, then our life would be better. We pick out specifics about what we think we need and want in order to live more happily. We rarely look into ourselves to see why we feel we are missing so much in our life. 

The truth is that under the same exact conditions, we are completely accepting of what is when we feel good about ourselves. When we see the glass as half full, the beverage in the glass doesn't matter. This is because we see ourselves as complete. However, when we are feeling low, no matter how full our glass is, it's just never full enough.

This condition is one that can never be remedied. No amount of "stuff" will fill that void. We are not taught to dig deep within ourselves, pull out the rot and then replace it on our own, although we are perfectly capable of it. We are always directed to something out there, out in the world, out in society, in someone else to look at to try to fill the void or fix the void. 

I don't blame you. It's the only way today's society and the economy can function. If people actually realize that no "thing" or "person" can fill the void, and that it's a never-ending job of working on yourself, then we would stop spending so much money and time looking outside ourselves for peace. 

Peace is a state of mind. It's not a "thing" easily achieved through purchases and material goods. It's not a location either nor is it who you're with. It's a state of being and it's demonstrated through your actions towards yourself and others. 

Now that you know, though truly I'm thinking you already knew this in your inner core, I expect you to tell yourself the truth and instead of looking outside yourself for the "fix," look within, know your broken pieces are what makes you beautiful and complete as only you can be. Only your broken pieces fit together perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle which eventually allows others to see you as whole.

Lesson: The truth is so much more beautiful and empowering than the lies we tell ourselves. Believe me, I see you. :)

2014 is coming to a close...

I wrote this letter to 2014 on December 31, 2013. I thought I would re-visit it once again now that it's almost 2015 and see how far I have come...

Dear 2014,

Welcome! I remember when I was welcoming the year 2000 and never imagined I would live to welcome 2014. You see all sorts of crazy things were supposed to happen. The world was supposed to end in coming of the year 2000. Something about the computers not knowing how to switch from 1999 to 2000. LOL! So obviously we are still here but the world not coming to an end is debatable. 

In the last fourteen years, we have seen the world end in ways not even the writers of fiction could dream up. There were the tragedies all over the world caused by many different factors such as: massive atmospheric and climate changes which have caused floods and earthquakes more devastating than those described in our Holy Books; children dying due to illness, ignorance, murder, war, starvation and prejudice; new diseases spreading, the likes of which have never existed before; millions perishing in meaningless wars in which the sole purpose is to prevent the integration of humanity across invisible lines and boundaries; and other tragedies, too numerous to share, have devastated  the earth and its peoples. 

So you can see the world has indeed come to an end. However, depending on how you look at it, it could be a good thing. 

Dear 2014, you have the opportunity to be the beginning of a new, more aware and awake world! The world can begin again with you! 

While all those horrible things were happening, there were some good things happening too.  People started caring about the planet they live on and the food they eat. They started to look for similarities amongst each other and celebrated the differences. They were excited to learn from each other and about each other. They started to see the planet as ONE and people as ONE. In the darkness of war, disease, hatred and ignorance, they had no choice but to reach for a hand they couldn't see. People started to see their interconnectedness and interdependence on each other and now science is confirming all of this. They realized that once you hold the hand of a stranger in the dark, it's hard to hate them in the light.

2014...I am so excited for you! I can't wait to start you off with lots of love for all my family and friends. I know we are each going to make a difference this new year! Fourteen years after the world began to end, it is now beginning to begin again!!! 

May each one of us know how much power we have individually and that if we make a mistake tomorrow, on January 1st, may we remember that each moment thereafter is a new year, a new opportunity to begin again and so may we not wait for 2015 to begin again. May we strive to forgive ourselves every single moment we don't get it "right" so as to propel ourselves into an ever advanced and an ever more compassionately evolved humankind!!!

With all my love and gratitude to all of you for a most blessed, most empowered, healthy, happy and most compassionate 2014! 

Remember every moment is your moment to begin again! :) <3

Most Sincerely,

Yasi Nafisi

You've got to stand up for yourself...

Too many times I have backed down from what seems to be a situation where I am insisting on being treated with respect and dignity. I have backed down because I decided the "fight" wasn't worth fighting. The truth of the matter is that it's not even a fight. Standing up for yourself in order to be treated with respect and dignity is a basic human right. Everyone has the right to be treated with respect and everyone has the right to dignity. So I have decided to follow my own advice I often discuss with clients: people will rebel against change, so you must not base your empowerment on how others react to it because they are not going to like change. They want you to be the person they are used to interacting with. You must stand up for your right to respect and dignity knowing full well that you will encounter opposition. You will be discounted and you may even be hated. But you must not back away from your basic human rights. Afterall, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Lesson: Same behavior=same results. Different behavior=different results. And there, my friends, is one of the perks of being a counselor. :)

Anti-Perk...

So far, I thoroughly LOVE what I do. I love being a counselor! However, lately, being a counselor is somewhat an anti-perk when it comes to dating. Why, you may ask. Afterall, you would think being a counselor helps one figure out the guys who are serious and the ones who are not. While this is generally true (and I don't think you need to be a counselor to figure this out), being a counselor brings with it lots of questions and baggage that normally would not be discussed on a first date. 

Here is how it usually goes (of course there are exceptions to this as with anything else in life):

Me: "Hello. I'm Yasaman. It's very nice to meet you."

Date: "Hi Yasaman. I'm _________. Nice to meet you as well."

Some small talk....

Date: "So...what do you do?"

Me: "Well...I do research and I'm a counselor as well."

Date: (awkward silence and looks a bit like he was just caught on candid camera) "Oh, okay. I see. That's great. Wow. Okay. So....are you analyzing me right now?"

Me: (deep breath, sits up straight, awkwardly look at date because now eye contact has a different meaning) "Well...no, I'm not analyzing you. Not any more than you're analyzing me."

And then begins the unofficial counseling session. All sorts of bad habits, awkward moments, and relationship conflicts are brought up, issues that no one would get to even in the first month of dating. My ability to have chemistry with these dates dies immediately. And thus, my 25th first date comes to an end. Sigh....

Don't get me wrong. I love, love, love what I do. And apparently I'm somewhat good at it to get men to talk about their dysfunctional lives so quickly, but it gets old and feels pretty frustrating. 

On the positive side, I have helped divorced dads connect with programs that help them become better dads.

Lesson:  nothing is ever a waste of time if you're able to look at it from the right perspective. And so I continue my adventures in both dating and in my career happy that I can be of service to whomever I meet regardless of the situation. It's all in the perspective. 

I refuse...

I refuse to accept any less than I deserve.

I refuse to accept less than love.

I refuse to accept less than a whole heart.

I refuse to accept "okay."

I refuse to accept mediocre compassion.

I refuse to accept shame.

I refuse to accept disconnection.

I refuse to accept lack of meaning and purpose.

I refuse to accept bare minimum.

I refuse to accept lack of communication.

I refuse to accept lack of respect.

I refuse to accept an ugly heart.

I refuse to accept that I can't have everything I want.

I want it all and I refuse to accept anything less. 

~Yasaman Nafisi

Goodbye...

There are lifetimes in a single goodbye. 

There are moments of stillness, of laughter and joy. 

There are breaths taken and not yet born. 

There are open wounds forgotten and yet raw. 

There are memories that heal and memories that gnaw. 

In a single goodbye lives a world unspoken yet true. 

Goodbye is the bridge between the old and the new. 

Hearts beat, eyes open, tears flow.

Goodbyes are pregnant with love untold; leaving behind, forging forward into the unknown. 

~Yasaman Nafisi