Today I realized the last time I was at Home Depot was almost a year ago and even then I made a quick run. As I walked up and down a couple of aisles today, a sinking feeling of nostalgia came over me and I felt this complete emptiness and sadness that divorce and infidelity had left me stripped of my desire to be a homemaker and create a loving and warm environment at home. I used to love to think of things I could do to furniture and my home, but today I realized that my divorce didn't just take away my security of feeling loved and accepted for who I am but also took away my desire to paint, plant, carve, refinish, restyle, redo anything and everything.
I didn't realize how much of who I was I have lost. As I walked down the aisle of paint colors, I even had a super sarcastic thought run across my mind, "As if paint color makes people happy."
Wow! I have lost the ability to think altruistically and optimistically.
Can people be that innocent and naive to be shopping together in Home Depot looking for water softener salt? Is this right? A couple looking at light bulbs together. Am I living in the twilight zone or do those two people actually look happy shopping for their new lawn furniture together? "Wow!" I think in amazement! I used to belong that world. And now all I can see is right through everything. Home Depot and all the people in it might as well be a mirage.
Is there is a happy ending to all of this?
Probably not. There are certainly happy moments and times. But the fairy tale that some people live has vanished forever, at least for me. You can't go back to believing in magic once you've looked behind the curtain.
Soooo....here's to happier days in Home Depot and even happier moments spent with loved ones. Thankfully I still believe in myself and often I say to myself, "If you exist, then there's a chance that there is someone else like you in this world." And this gives me hope. Not too much. But a little bit. And sometimes that's all we need, a little bit of hope.
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