My reflections on experiences...

What we are and what we are not...

"We are not the ugly and pain that was heaped upon us. We are the parts that learned how to work through the ugly and pain. We are the light, that although may have seemed dim at the time, found a way into and through the darkness and into more light. We are the broken pieces of a shattered soul who learned to sand down the sharp edges with the soft love offered to us by many or few. We found a way over the mountain, under rocks and through deep and narrow valleys. We are the discolored orbs of faint light that barely show up in pictures because we have learned to stand back and let others shine. We are cracked and jagged and faint and sometimes we are barely seen walking in and out of the lives of those who need us most. We have become ghosts so as not to disturb the demons but it means we are also unseen amongst the garden of heaven. We whisper our love to make sure we aren't too loud and we cry often as most people turn away. We are the conglomerate of stars and rain and usually melt in the presence of the fire of anger. We look with our souls because the eyes are useless in acknowledging pain. We have learned that greatness is in the smallest gesture of kindness and that true nobility is in the telling of truths. We see no use for the "things" others use to live. The boundary of this world and the next lies within us and we see, in the horizon of our vision, the reality of all that was and is yet to be. We move softly through the fabric of our lives,  often mistaken for lost souls and aimless travelers. We are those who lose nothing because we have lost it all. We know the value of life lies not in what can be held but in what life has yet to behold." -YN-

(PS--yes this was written by me.) 

Timelines

Sometimes you accidentally run into timelines of other people that match up with your old timeline. However, their timeline continues uninterrupted while yours takes a departure from your projected and estimated trajectory. It's always a little jarring when you see the timeline that's uninterrupted and start comparing it to yours. You start wondering if maybe this uninterrupted timeline could have been your life and then you look for where things changed. It's an exhausting and defeating process. It presupposes that one single act can determine the fate of your timeline. It also presupposes that one outcome is better than another.

Life is not like that. If it were, there would be an antidote or a counter action that would protect you from that other "action" that is the determining factor in the change of trajectory. (Now I'm getting into Quantum Physics, which I love by the way.) ;)

In reality, there is no way to pinpoint a single moment when things change. While there are single events that change us forever, life is a continuous flow of moments that lead from one to another. Every time I have tried to look for that single moment, I have had to look at the moment before that and the one before that and on and on and on. It is actually easier to look forward and change actions in present mode for future benefit.

So where's the perk?

I suppose the perk of being a counselor in this situation is to know at any given moment you have the power to change the future and according to the most recent Quantum Physics studies, apparently you can even change the past. Wow! Imagine that! 

(Disclaimer: The study of Quantum Physics is not a perk of being a counselor. That's a perk of being "Yasi." :))

Burning Bridges

As a counselor I have hope in almost everything and everyone. It is also who I am as a person. Some would argue I have too much hope and see life with rose colored glasses despite all that I have personally experienced and all that I have heard about the grief of others, "la vie en rose." (Listen to this song if you ever have a chance.) All I know is that I have always had the presence of the "Divine" in my life. Even in my loneliest, I have truly never been or felt alone. However, having said this, I have learned a lot in the last few years about having hope in everything and everyone. 

Lesson 1:

Everything and everyone has the potential of change but not everything and everyone will reach that potential in a timeline that we are able to witness.

Lesson 2:

When we choose to leave certain people and things in the time and space they belong, we are not forgetting them and their time with us. We are operating with the virtue of justice by letting people occupy their space and time and allowing ourselves to move on and occupy our own space and time. 

Lesson 3:

We need energy and fuel to power our way through our new and possibly different journey. We cannot exist simultaneously in two or more dimensions of time without severe exhaustion and lack of motivation. We have to choose and sadly, sometimes our fuel and guidance comes from the light provided by the bridges we burn to our past. 

Lesson 4:

While you may choose to return to an older period of time, you have to remember that you return as a changed person and therefore will possibly, and in all likelihood, have different reactions and behaviors. Don't be surprised if you realize something or someone from your past isn't as interesting or is more interesting than you thought originally. 

Lesson 5:

There is a lesson in everything. Find it, especially when you have the least amount of understanding of what's going on. It will always shed light on a situation. 

Lesson 6:

Hope applies to everyone. It's an equal opportunity concept. If you have hope in everything and everyone else, that means there is also hope for you and your situation. You are not the exception to the rule. 

Lesson 7: 

There are connections between every act, person, thing, and situation. Find what the connections are. They are the yellow brick road that will lead you to the treasure at the end of the rainbow. 

Once again, I'm not saying anything you can't think of or haven't possibly thought of yourself. I just happen to be trained to look for these things as part of my job and therefore in my own life. You can become this aware as well. You might already be. 

And this kind of awareness, once again, is one of the perks of being a counselor. 

Nostalgia

Sooo...

I'm back in Texas for my niece and nephews high school graduation. Never mind that it feels like they were just born yesterday. Now I have to watch them walk across a stage and transition into adulthood and college. To say that time goes by quickly is a gross understatement. 

So in order to celebrate them, we have to celebrate the almost 18 years that have gone by. And to look back 18 years means to look back at what my life used to look like as well because our lives are all a tangled web of interactions and love. 

The counselor in me wants to point out the moments I missed that led me to this new life. However, the aunt and mom in me is fighting hard to stick to the love and good times we have all had. 

Who will win? I'll have to let you know in a few days. 

Meanwhile, I'm going to thoroughly enjoy kissing and hugging my nieces and nephews because if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that time is short and there is no time to be wasted not loving the crap out of each other!

Didn't know I lost that...

Today I had to make a very quick run to Home Depot for some light bulbs. When I was "happily" married, Home Depot used to be a place I visited often. I loved painting the walls, looking for new throw rugs, looking at plants and mulch, looking at how to make my home prettier and more a reflection of myself. 

Today I realized the last time I was at Home Depot was almost a year ago and even then I made a quick run. As I walked up and down a couple of aisles today, a sinking feeling of nostalgia came over me and I felt this complete emptiness and sadness that divorce and infidelity had left me stripped of my desire to be a homemaker and create a loving and warm environment at home. I used to love to think of things I could do to furniture and my home, but today I realized that my divorce didn't just take away my security of feeling loved and accepted for who I am but also took away my desire to paint, plant, carve, refinish, restyle, redo anything and everything. 

I didn't realize how much of who I was I have lost. As I walked down the aisle  of paint colors, I even had a super sarcastic thought run across my mind, "As if paint color makes people happy."

Wow! I have lost the ability to think altruistically and optimistically.

Can people be that innocent and naive to be shopping together in Home Depot looking for water softener salt? Is this right? A couple looking at light bulbs together. Am I living in the twilight zone or do those two people actually look happy shopping for their new lawn furniture together? "Wow!" I think in amazement! I used to belong that world. And now all I can see is right through everything. Home Depot and all the people in it might as well be a mirage. 

Is there is a happy ending to all of this?

Probably not. There are certainly happy moments and times. But the fairy tale that some people live has vanished forever, at least for me. You can't go back to believing in magic once you've looked behind the curtain. 

Soooo....here's to happier days in Home Depot and even happier moments spent with loved ones. Thankfully I still believe in myself and often I say to myself, "If you exist, then there's a chance that there is someone else like you in this world." And this gives me hope. Not too much. But a little bit. And sometimes that's all we need, a little bit of hope.

V-Day (aka Valentines Day)

This post was originally started on February 14th, 2015 and finished today, May 16th, 2015. 

So here we are. 2015. Valentine's Day coming right up. A big part of me wants to be cynical. An even bigger part of me wants to be angry. Why?

Because it's just a ridiculous idea that people spend one day out of the year attempting to show their love for their loved ones. Why not do it every day? What about the other 364 days? We could all certainly use more love and have it spread more evenly throughout the year. 

And then there is the part of me that wishes and hopes for that love to be shown to me and so believes in cupids, fairies, and pixie dust. I mean I am human after all. Haha!

But in reality, this day can be extremely isolating for many. Loneliness is a disease that has overtaken the world and many of our newest and best modern day amenities create an even more isolating society and promote loneliness even further. 

So let's stop and take a moment to make sure we do something to show our love to those we love on a more consistent basis and continue to show it throughout the year. And let's make a collective effort to show love to those we do not know as well. Who knows what would happen if people started feeling loved. The world might change and become a more beautiful place. 

Happy Valentine's Day today and every day! ❤️❤️❤️