Anger isn't always bad...

Anger gets a bad rep. Counselors, psychologists and just people in general have a hard time addressing anger at its core. Often times anger is dismissed and "underlying emotions" are addressed as the core emotions. 

Sometimes it's true that other core emotions such as fear, sadness, anxiety, and such are actually the root of the anger displayed. But this is not universally and always true. Sometimes anger is just anger. Pure, raw, powerful and full of energy.

Can we try to accept anger for what it is and instead of dismissing it, channel it into something productive and life changing? This is a challenge I want to put out there to you. Instead of dismissing the anger you feel, channel its awesome energy and power into something useful in your life and try to make a positive change using your anger as fuel for your transformation. Empower yourself by telling yourself it's okay to feel anger as long as you use it for good instead of destroying yourself and your relationships with others. Stop believing you don't have control over your ability to take charge of your feelings. Feel your feelings, all of them. Don't label them as good or bad. Just feel. And take the energy each feeling produces and channel it in a meaningful way so that you can make a positive difference in your own life as well as the life of the community in which you live.

There is no such thing as a "bad" feeling. All feelings are valid and equal in their ability to be useful or destructive. You get to choose how you will use your feelings. YOU are the one in charge. Breathe. Observe. Think and reflect. And then...Carry on. 

Lesson: Anger can be used as fuel to get you to where you want to be. It's not about being destructive. It's about being constructive with whatever you have and whatever you're feeling at the moment. Believe me, I'm a counselor. I get angry and it pisses me off when my anger is negated or villianized. Being pissed off is life's way of giving you a little shot of caffeine so you can get off your ass and do something different. Don't be calm. Rage on and conquer your life! 

The lies we tell ourselves...

We lie to ourselves. It's the truth. We tell ourselves if only we had this or that, if only we could be here or there, then our life would be better. We pick out specifics about what we think we need and want in order to live more happily. We rarely look into ourselves to see why we feel we are missing so much in our life. 

The truth is that under the same exact conditions, we are completely accepting of what is when we feel good about ourselves. When we see the glass as half full, the beverage in the glass doesn't matter. This is because we see ourselves as complete. However, when we are feeling low, no matter how full our glass is, it's just never full enough.

This condition is one that can never be remedied. No amount of "stuff" will fill that void. We are not taught to dig deep within ourselves, pull out the rot and then replace it on our own, although we are perfectly capable of it. We are always directed to something out there, out in the world, out in society, in someone else to look at to try to fill the void or fix the void. 

I don't blame you. It's the only way today's society and the economy can function. If people actually realize that no "thing" or "person" can fill the void, and that it's a never-ending job of working on yourself, then we would stop spending so much money and time looking outside ourselves for peace. 

Peace is a state of mind. It's not a "thing" easily achieved through purchases and material goods. It's not a location either nor is it who you're with. It's a state of being and it's demonstrated through your actions towards yourself and others. 

Now that you know, though truly I'm thinking you already knew this in your inner core, I expect you to tell yourself the truth and instead of looking outside yourself for the "fix," look within, know your broken pieces are what makes you beautiful and complete as only you can be. Only your broken pieces fit together perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle which eventually allows others to see you as whole.

Lesson: The truth is so much more beautiful and empowering than the lies we tell ourselves. Believe me, I see you. :)

2014 is coming to a close...

I wrote this letter to 2014 on December 31, 2013. I thought I would re-visit it once again now that it's almost 2015 and see how far I have come...

Dear 2014,

Welcome! I remember when I was welcoming the year 2000 and never imagined I would live to welcome 2014. You see all sorts of crazy things were supposed to happen. The world was supposed to end in coming of the year 2000. Something about the computers not knowing how to switch from 1999 to 2000. LOL! So obviously we are still here but the world not coming to an end is debatable. 

In the last fourteen years, we have seen the world end in ways not even the writers of fiction could dream up. There were the tragedies all over the world caused by many different factors such as: massive atmospheric and climate changes which have caused floods and earthquakes more devastating than those described in our Holy Books; children dying due to illness, ignorance, murder, war, starvation and prejudice; new diseases spreading, the likes of which have never existed before; millions perishing in meaningless wars in which the sole purpose is to prevent the integration of humanity across invisible lines and boundaries; and other tragedies, too numerous to share, have devastated  the earth and its peoples. 

So you can see the world has indeed come to an end. However, depending on how you look at it, it could be a good thing. 

Dear 2014, you have the opportunity to be the beginning of a new, more aware and awake world! The world can begin again with you! 

While all those horrible things were happening, there were some good things happening too.  People started caring about the planet they live on and the food they eat. They started to look for similarities amongst each other and celebrated the differences. They were excited to learn from each other and about each other. They started to see the planet as ONE and people as ONE. In the darkness of war, disease, hatred and ignorance, they had no choice but to reach for a hand they couldn't see. People started to see their interconnectedness and interdependence on each other and now science is confirming all of this. They realized that once you hold the hand of a stranger in the dark, it's hard to hate them in the light.

2014...I am so excited for you! I can't wait to start you off with lots of love for all my family and friends. I know we are each going to make a difference this new year! Fourteen years after the world began to end, it is now beginning to begin again!!! 

May each one of us know how much power we have individually and that if we make a mistake tomorrow, on January 1st, may we remember that each moment thereafter is a new year, a new opportunity to begin again and so may we not wait for 2015 to begin again. May we strive to forgive ourselves every single moment we don't get it "right" so as to propel ourselves into an ever advanced and an ever more compassionately evolved humankind!!!

With all my love and gratitude to all of you for a most blessed, most empowered, healthy, happy and most compassionate 2014! 

Remember every moment is your moment to begin again! :) <3

Most Sincerely,

Yasi Nafisi

You've got to stand up for yourself...

Too many times I have backed down from what seems to be a situation where I am insisting on being treated with respect and dignity. I have backed down because I decided the "fight" wasn't worth fighting. The truth of the matter is that it's not even a fight. Standing up for yourself in order to be treated with respect and dignity is a basic human right. Everyone has the right to be treated with respect and everyone has the right to dignity. So I have decided to follow my own advice I often discuss with clients: people will rebel against change, so you must not base your empowerment on how others react to it because they are not going to like change. They want you to be the person they are used to interacting with. You must stand up for your right to respect and dignity knowing full well that you will encounter opposition. You will be discounted and you may even be hated. But you must not back away from your basic human rights. Afterall, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Lesson: Same behavior=same results. Different behavior=different results. And there, my friends, is one of the perks of being a counselor. :)

Anti-Perk...

So far, I thoroughly LOVE what I do. I love being a counselor! However, lately, being a counselor is somewhat an anti-perk when it comes to dating. Why, you may ask. Afterall, you would think being a counselor helps one figure out the guys who are serious and the ones who are not. While this is generally true (and I don't think you need to be a counselor to figure this out), being a counselor brings with it lots of questions and baggage that normally would not be discussed on a first date. 

Here is how it usually goes (of course there are exceptions to this as with anything else in life):

Me: "Hello. I'm Yasaman. It's very nice to meet you."

Date: "Hi Yasaman. I'm _________. Nice to meet you as well."

Some small talk....

Date: "So...what do you do?"

Me: "Well...I do research and I'm a counselor as well."

Date: (awkward silence and looks a bit like he was just caught on candid camera) "Oh, okay. I see. That's great. Wow. Okay. So....are you analyzing me right now?"

Me: (deep breath, sits up straight, awkwardly look at date because now eye contact has a different meaning) "Well...no, I'm not analyzing you. Not any more than you're analyzing me."

And then begins the unofficial counseling session. All sorts of bad habits, awkward moments, and relationship conflicts are brought up, issues that no one would get to even in the first month of dating. My ability to have chemistry with these dates dies immediately. And thus, my 25th first date comes to an end. Sigh....

Don't get me wrong. I love, love, love what I do. And apparently I'm somewhat good at it to get men to talk about their dysfunctional lives so quickly, but it gets old and feels pretty frustrating. 

On the positive side, I have helped divorced dads connect with programs that help them become better dads.

Lesson:  nothing is ever a waste of time if you're able to look at it from the right perspective. And so I continue my adventures in both dating and in my career happy that I can be of service to whomever I meet regardless of the situation. It's all in the perspective. 

I refuse...

I refuse to accept any less than I deserve.

I refuse to accept less than love.

I refuse to accept less than a whole heart.

I refuse to accept "okay."

I refuse to accept mediocre compassion.

I refuse to accept shame.

I refuse to accept disconnection.

I refuse to accept lack of meaning and purpose.

I refuse to accept bare minimum.

I refuse to accept lack of communication.

I refuse to accept lack of respect.

I refuse to accept an ugly heart.

I refuse to accept that I can't have everything I want.

I want it all and I refuse to accept anything less. 

~Yasaman Nafisi

Goodbye...

There are lifetimes in a single goodbye. 

There are moments of stillness, of laughter and joy. 

There are breaths taken and not yet born. 

There are open wounds forgotten and yet raw. 

There are memories that heal and memories that gnaw. 

In a single goodbye lives a world unspoken yet true. 

Goodbye is the bridge between the old and the new. 

Hearts beat, eyes open, tears flow.

Goodbyes are pregnant with love untold; leaving behind, forging forward into the unknown. 

~Yasaman Nafisi