Leave if you must...

Sometimes we have to leave. We are the only ones we can control and so it becomes our duty to leave a situation that is not healthy or is unjust. 

When people refuse to respect your boundaries, leave. I'm not saying don't try to work it out by discussing it, but if there is no chance of a healthy discussion, leave. Leave people, places, things, jobs, doctors, relationships, friendships, homes, exercise routines, clubs, whatever you can think of. 

A quote comes to mind...

I think it goes something like this, "You're not a tree. You can move." There is no law that says you have to continually endure unhealthy situations. Move. Leave. Walk away.

Perks of being a counselor?

Being able to give myself permission to practice what I preach. I'm out. 👊🏽

Living like you're dying...

I've had multiple experiences that seem to have a similar kind of theme to them. In each situation, my response seems out of proportion with what is going on. I've tried so hard to figure out what's actually happening so I can stop this cycle of interaction with people. 

And one day it just hit me...

As I was driving, a song came on the radio that brought about my "Aha!" moment. The song is titled, "I'm Gonna Lose You," by Meghan Trainor. As I was listening to this song, I finally understood that I seem to go around loving people like I'm going to lose them. I am constantly thanking them, telling them I love them and doing whatever I can in the moment to help them. 

So you may ask, "What's the problem here Yasi? Isn't that a good way to love people?"

My response is, "Yes. Yes it definitely is." But keep in mind that most people I  interact with are not preoccupied with death and so start to see my interactions as excessive and start to wonder what it is I want from them. Now let's get something straight here, I'm not saying that what these people are thinking is right. But I do understand their perspective. We are not taught to cherish every moment and to be grateful at all times for those in our lives. But certain circumstances, like my job and having worked with bereaved parents has given me a huge window into what not living in the moment with gratitude and appreciation can look like...and it's not tulips and butterflies. It's devasting and filled with regret. Lots and lots and lots of regret.

So somewhere along the way I adopted the idea of being grateful in the moment and as often as possible so that no one ever leaves my presence feeling unloved. But this has created a little bit of a problem for me. Some people are just not ready to be loved in this way. And that's okay. 

On the up side, people know I love them and I would hope no one leaves my presence without feeling some kind of warm and fuzzy feeling. This gives me peace and helps me to bring myself to account each day. Some people stick around. Most go about doing their own thing and while I continue to love them and appreciate them, they are not necessarily a part of my daily life.

Perk of being a counselor???

To have the ability to reflect and with certitude understand that each person is their own person. This way I can let those who want to leave, leave, and to know some will choose to stay. Ultimately, I do believe that one day I will find that person who will understand me and how I live so completely that they will feel like home to me and they will feel at home with me.

Silence

There are some times in our life when there is just no answer to our questions, no relief, no closure.

As much as we would like to find peace in an answer, the only way we may ever find peace in such times is through silence.

Practicing silence and sitting at the table with your lack of clarity may be all there is one can do. So go ahead. Pull up a chair, sit down across the table from your pain and sadness. Look them in the eye, not with judgement and blame, but with love.

Sit in silence and send love across the table to what you've lost, what you mourn. 

The human language is incapable of labeling such times and feelings which may be why you feel you have no answer to your questions, no response to your pain. The language of the soul is complicated. It's not about a label or word because the soul is processing so many things simultaneously. However, the soul comes alive and feels seen and heard in the moment when you look at the soul and recognize it and "see" it through someone's eyes. It can definitely be seen and acknowledged. And if you're capable of sitting at the table with your own soul, and without any words acknowledge your own pain and sorrow and sadness and love, then maybe you will have found an answer after all.

Perk:  silence is an answer; no response is a response; no action is an action; acceptance of what something is, is acceptance of what it is not. With silence you can make the loudest statement of all. 

Answers

Hope

My reflections on experiences...

What we are and what we are not...

"We are not the ugly and pain that was heaped upon us. We are the parts that learned how to work through the ugly and pain. We are the light, that although may have seemed dim at the time, found a way into and through the darkness and into more light. We are the broken pieces of a shattered soul who learned to sand down the sharp edges with the soft love offered to us by many or few. We found a way over the mountain, under rocks and through deep and narrow valleys. We are the discolored orbs of faint light that barely show up in pictures because we have learned to stand back and let others shine. We are cracked and jagged and faint and sometimes we are barely seen walking in and out of the lives of those who need us most. We have become ghosts so as not to disturb the demons but it means we are also unseen amongst the garden of heaven. We whisper our love to make sure we aren't too loud and we cry often as most people turn away. We are the conglomerate of stars and rain and usually melt in the presence of the fire of anger. We look with our souls because the eyes are useless in acknowledging pain. We have learned that greatness is in the smallest gesture of kindness and that true nobility is in the telling of truths. We see no use for the "things" others use to live. The boundary of this world and the next lies within us and we see, in the horizon of our vision, the reality of all that was and is yet to be. We move softly through the fabric of our lives,  often mistaken for lost souls and aimless travelers. We are those who lose nothing because we have lost it all. We know the value of life lies not in what can be held but in what life has yet to behold." -YN-

(PS--yes this was written by me.)